brother of mine

Regret and discontent. I tremble in my sleep, awake before I dream. The sins of my ancestors are close to my heart, inescapable. What I've become is preordained. My life was lived once before, in pieces.

The emotions we hide--they aren't hidden, but just misunderstood and uninterpretable. Emotions we least expect creep up on us and surprise us. And in these moments of clarity and confusion, what will we do?

I'll tell you about my hidden and subtle discontent, seeping to the surface in unexpected gushes of unwanted metaphor. I'm anxious by nature, fidgety and discontent. But moments of peace catch me by surprise. Often they occur at night, when the busy world is silent, and I walk alone, surrounded by the noises of Creation - crickets, birds, wind and rain.

mighty mouse

I don't have many friends. Some people think this strange, especially considering my many acquaintances. But I don't. I don't think it's strange at all. I'd bet that most people don't have many friends. That is, someone who:

1) You can share silence
2) Your conversations are not dominated with sentences that start "remember when we..."
3) You are honest about politics
4) When they ask you "how are you" you tell them the truth.
5) Knows when you are lying


Matthew visited about a year ago. And I reflected on his visit any my relations to others a little later.

I just returned from a visit to the mountains, where I met my friends (see above) for a weekend of camping, horseback riding (more on that later), and fishing.

We left Denver Thursday morning and drove to our camp site. I'd tell you where it is, but some things are too special to share. To give you a rough idea, leave Denver and drive east on I-70 until you hit Glenwood Springs, then hang a left. Take the 133 south for a while and then make a left onto the gravel road which winds through the mountains. Take that for about 30 minutes and then you're there. Rumor has it that you should avoid drinking too many drinks before "shittin' and a gettin' it" down the gravel road. Sloppy stomachs don't appreciate switchbacks and S-curves.

You'll know you're in the right spot when you see the river on your right:



And the snow capped mountains on your left:

I'm not the outdoorsy type. I like showers, Tivo, and ice cubes. I enjoy going to bed without wondering if my dreams will be interrupted by a grizzly bear licking my nose. And going to the bathroom should never entail bringing a shovel.

But I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy my trip. Mostly, it was nice to spend some time with my friends, despite the no-shower thing. (To the lady at Starbucks who served me coffee on our way home - I don't always smell like that).

And I did something I've never done before. I rode a horse. Two of my friends are horse fluent. Actually, they're real-life cowboys. They even spent a morning on our camping trip helping a local rancher look for his lost cows.

These so called "friends" of mine thought it proper to teach me to ride a horse by scaring the shit out of me. Literally. They took me up the mountains, where we rode our horses up steep inclines, over downed trees, through rushing rivers, and down sheer cliffs. I'm honestly not making this up. And there I was, two inches from death, my horse tripping on an downed tree, hanging onto the edge of 90 foot cliff . I was certain things were going to end badly and the first thought I had was, "Matthew is the dumbest son of a bitch I've ever met."

Mighty Mouse saved my life. We might never be friends, but I'm still appreciative.


Matthew, Josh, and I met nearly 10 years ago. We've changed. I suppose everyone does. But for me, there's nothing quite as special as friends who remain though changes, friends that don't vanish after a season, but are around to sit with you and watch the leaves change again and again and again. Friends who teach you to ride a horse much like my father taught me to drive a car: sit in front of the wheel and figure it out you punk-ass-sonofabitch-know-it-all kid.

I'm already looking forward to our next meeting. Whenever it may be. Until then: sleep well, eat pork (it's better for you than chicken), hope for cheaper diesel, and read a good book.

i wish my name was tiger

I started playing golf when I was 11 years old. In high school, my claim to fame was that I was the captain of the golf team. Tons of chicks.

These days, I'm just a hack. I remember the days I used to shoot good scores and take money from old men. Now I'm the old man.

Golf is a funny game. I have more fun now that I used to. I'm not nearly as proficient at the game as I once was, but I don't really care. I'd rather play alone than with people. Other golfers annoy me. I don't go to the course to talk or hang out. God gave us bars and whiskey for conversation. Golf is entirely different. Don't poison my good walk spoiled with idle chatter. I want to be alone with my thoughts, my memories, and my ping golf bag.

corn

I had an interesting conversation with a friend over lunchtime burritos. Ethanol sucks.
Of course, we didn't let any facts get in the way of a good conversation. Ethanol sucks.

Let's think about this: if you use corn for gas, then there's going to be a run on corn. A run on corn = everything we fat americans eat is more expensive (high fructose corn syrup is in everything), the price of chicken goes up (chickens eat corn feed), and the price of prime rib goes up (guess what cows eat??). In short - ethanol makes everything we eat cost more.

What's worse is that I've read articles which indicate producing ethanol actually consumes more oil than what you save by using it to drive your car - it takes a ridiculous amount of energy to convert corn into alcohol (and hence the premium price you pay for a good bourbon like Makers Mark).

I'm a liberal hack. I like the environment. Hell, I even believe in Global Warming. But ethanol sucks. I want nothing more than to reduce America's dependence on oil. But ethanol isn't the answer. Save the corn for my booze.

Save the Corn!

home

We plan our lives. Don't lie to yourself. Everyone has ambitious plans and ambitious dreams. We want our children to live better lives than ours; less financial stress, less pain, less confusion, fewer Republicans.

Our plans never work out.

top 5

What is your top 5 most played on your iPod? Here's mine:
1) i will follow you into the dark, Death Cab for Cutie
2) notice, Gomez
3) poison oak, Bright Eyes
4) burn, Ray LaMontagne
5) see the world, Gomez

level out

All my friends and sedatives mean well, but make it worse
My doubt is always magnified
My cocaine soul is a cabaret


I often stand outside and ponder thoughts words cannot describe
My feet feel soft grass or hard rocks or smooth pavement
I listen
And hope I'm not being too dramatic

Smells I remember linger

i voted

Election Reflections, Part 1

As a Wisconsin resident, I voted yesterday on a marriage amendment and also on the death penalty.
The marriage amendment actually bans two things: gay marriage and civil unions.
The death penalty amendment doesn't actually go into law, but is rather a advisory vote for the legislature. Whatever that means. I voted 'no' for both ballot initiatives. Both passed. Marriage amendment received 59%, death penalty received 55%.

Interestingly, I most live in a strong morally conservative county, Saint Croix. In Saint Croix county the marriage amendment received 61% support and the death penalty received 63%.

The death penalty result surprises me. Given results across the country, I'm not surprised by the results of the marriage amendment, but I didn't think the death penalty would receive as much support as it did. My guess is the only reason it passed was because it was quite specific about when the death penalty could be applied: only in cases of 1st degree murder where DNA evidence confirms the guilt of the accused.

family values

In this year's election, the land of cheese, land of my nice suburban home, will allow voters to decide if they want to add an amendment to the constitution which would guarantee the definition of marriage as a contract between "one man and one woman." I'll vote no. Even if it means gay sex in my front yard and men marrying dogs.

First, let's get a few things clear: I'm a religious person. I'm a Christian. The Bible is my holy book. I'm not a big fan of the protestant doctrine of Solo Scriptura, but even if I was, I'd be more than happy to argue that God/Bible (the difference sometimes blurs), has little to say about homosexual marriage. I do not believe homosexuality is a sin. Saying so is like saying being single is a sin: God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve...therefore being single must be sinful, right?

The term Sodomy offends me. The term refers to the events at Sodom, as documented in Genesis. Most people assume the "sin of Sodom" refers to homosexuality. No. No. No. No. No. For God's sake NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Don't believe me? How about some scripture: "Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy" (Ezekiel 16:49). Strange....sexual acts aren't in the list. But forgetting the poor and needy is....damn scripture....how did that verse get into the bible....

But even if I did have moral qualms with homosexuality, for the life of me I'll never understand why people get so upset by it, so motivated to make sure to prevent homosexuals from getting married. Even if homosexual marriage were legal, there is no law which would force your church to marry people. What's the big deal? Do you really believe making gay marriage legal will increase the number of homosexuals? And cynically, it's about time the gay community joins the rest of us. 50% of us will suffer divorce. Divorce lawyers everywhere should campaign for making gay marriage legal.

Proponents of preventing homosexual marriage value narrow scriptural interpretation over well attested scriptural tolerance and compassion. Did you know that a gay couple isn't guaranteed the right of hospital visitation, or terminal medical decisions, or inheritance? Can you, o heterosexual reader, imagine going to the hospital and being told you had to leave the bedside of your beloved because visiting hours were over?

I will vote no this fall, even though I worry the issue is somewhat of a moot point. Given the results of so many other states, I doubt Wisconsin will fair any better. I just wish more people would see the gay marriage initiatives for what they really are: just another ploy by republicans to increase turn-out at the polls. Sigh.

Get your buttons and t-shirts here.

And for some more good stuff, watch some Jon Stewart on the issue:

obama

Sen. Obama is considering a run for president. We can hope.

fear and anger

For Rebekah:

Faithful preachin' don't pay reader Rebekeh commented on the link I posted about the ridiculous number of Iraqi's killed in the war. She asked me to read this.

Here's the low down- A bunch of liberal hacks from Johns Hopkins claim 650000 Iraqi civilians have died since the war began. A bunch of conservative hacks from the Wall Street Journal (predictably) wrote an article about how the liberal hacks are stupid because they aren't conservative hacks.

Look, I don't care. The point is that a shitload of innocent Iraqi's have died. Does the number really matter? Even President Bush estimates the number to be 30,000. 30,000! Just think about it.

And what are our excuses....I mean justifications....I mean.........reasons for the war?
1) WMD
What about North Korea and Iran?
2) Saddam is bad
What about the dudes from North Korea, Iran, Cuba, Columbia....
3) Saddam killed his own people
What about Darfur?
4) Oil (this is the liberal hack favorite)
I'm not buying it. Iraq doesn't export much oil.
5) War on Terror.
Give me a break. That's like saying we need to fight a war in Spain to fight the war on Taco Bell.

Have I missed something?

Honestly, honestly, honestly, I can't think of any good reason for the Iraqi war. I really can't. It's pointless.

I've written about this topic before. Read more here.

Life is simple when we can make clean distinctions between good and evil. We're good, especially when compared to the bad. And to prove how good we are, we demonstrate our power, our wrath. This is the Iraq war, in a nutshell. Don't fuck with us. We're America. We're the good guys. We have the biggest guns. Saddam dared play coy with the President of the United States, Bush 43.

It makes me sad.

saved?

I need to get saved. Mac Hammond says so. Watch the YouTube link below. First, Michelle Bachmann talks about how it's God's will that she runs for U.S. Congress, and that God wants nothing more than prevent women from marrying women, men from marrying men. I'd hope God has better things on God's mind...call me a crazy liberal...people dying in wars, children dying of hunger, crazy men walking into schools and shooting kids..........

Mac Hammond, pastor of Living Word Christian Center, addresses his congregation after Ms. Bachmann's speech and says: He says "I don't want any more letters about Church and Politics don't mix. If that's your opinion, you need to get saved." If Mr. Hammond is right, I don't want to be "saved." I think politics and religion don't mix well. I think history proves me right.

This is why, if I lived in the 6th district, I wouldn't vote for Ms. Bachmann. When political canidates start talking about God's will, I get nervous.

And please, please, know I'm not crazy about Patty Wetterling as a canidate. I'd like to vote for John Binkowski. However, the "wasted vote" ideal comes into play, only because Ms. Bachmann makes me so trepidatious with her "God's will" comments.

stewart

The Daily Show, where everyone should get their news. Especially during election season. I haven't been watching the Daily Show in a while, but I plan to ramp up my viewing as they ramp up their coverage of InDecision '06.

light in darkness, part 2

Just read the link here.